How do I change the way something occurs to someone?
In this post, I want to explore how to describe how something occurs to someone and how you might change how it occurs to them.
Over the last couple of posts, we have discussed the 3 Laws of Performance and how things occur to people. The key idea is that while we all like to believe that we think before we act, the reality is that we don't react because of what or how we think. We act, 100% of the time, based on how the situation in front of us occurs to us. The trick is to both understand how a situation occurs to us and then how it occurs to someone else. If you want to know why someone else responds the way they do, you need to understand how the situation occurs to them (not you).
Law 2 - Disneyworld
Go back and read the section heading again.
Think for a moment what you had in your mind's eye when you read the word 'Disneyworld.' Even if you have not been there, my guess is that some images came to mind. If you have been to Orlando, then not only pictures but maybe even memories. This is the power of language. One word created a world for you.
Of course, what comes to mind for you and what comes to mind for me will probably be different. So, while the first Law of Performance is "How people perform correlates to how situations occur to them," then Disneyworld guides us into the second law. The second law is "how a situation occurs arises in language."
While this may be an obvious point, it's worth dwelling on the power of language and its importance to understanding how something occurs to someone. When you use a particular word, you have a sense of what that word means. You may even believe that you have the 'correct' definition of the word (see 'Be wary of certainty), but that's not important if you do not share that definition with the person you are talking with. A fun example of this can be found in The Princess Bride, where Vizzini keeps saying "Inconceivable" about a situation he can't believe happened. As Inigo Montoya points out, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
When you want to change how someone acts, using their language is more important than using yours. Nelson Mandela put it this way, "If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his
language, that goes to his heart."
The breakthrough thought here is that by changing the language or meaning someone attributes to that language, you can change the way a situation occurs to them. So that leads us to the next question, how do you do that?
Power of Content
There are two powerful tools you can use to help you: context-change and future-based language. While they may amount to the same thing, context is easier to understand and work with.
We live in an age where context can be lost in 'twitter-like’ communication. Every day we see another example of someone with an 'axe to grind' removing or ignoring the context in which something was said to make a point or embarrass someone else. Rather than trying to trick someone, we are looking to understand the context in which they see a situation to create a shared view. Let's go back to our Disneyworld example but more specifically, rollercoasters.
If you had a terrible experience on a rollercoaster, the chances are the context you see with a rollercoaster in is one of risk. If you grew up with parents who loved them and rode them whenever they could, you may view them as fun and exhilarating. Of course, they may occur to you in a completely different way from either of these two examples. However, they occur to you when a friend says, "let's go ride a rollercoaster,” the context in which you see that request will define how you react. Maybe you have never been on a rollercoaster, and their speed seems frightening. Going on one for the first time, maybe one that's not too fast, may change the context of how you see them. Likewise, at work, if we can change the context in which someone sees a situation, we can change how they perform.
During my early days at IBM, I remember making a mistake with a task I was assigned. Luckily, I quickly owned up to that mistake and was rewarded for highlighting the error, fixing it without any real customer impact. If I had been scolded or punished instead, I might have spent longer trying to fix it myself without asking for help, risking customer impact. I looked at all future errors in that context.
The Third Law
Now is time for the third law of performance, and it's the key to this whole approach. It's also the most challenging part of the process. The third law states that "future-based language transforms how situations occur to people."
I knew this as Visioning, but Future-based language, or sometimes it is called "generative language," is the power to create new futures and eliminate the obstacles (how that future occurs to someone) that keep people from seeing these new possibilities. Put more simply, if we share how we see the end destination, it is easier to work together to get there.
Essential to Law Three is completing Laws 1 and 2 because otherwise, the language you use will not help you find this common ground. If something occurs as risky and risk is seen as bad (remember, risky may seem fun to some people), you will receive resistance when trying to visualize that future. If you can change the context from risky (harmful) towards something else, say rewarding, you will create a new future in which to live.
It can be daunting to change the context for someone and create a new future together, particularly if you are staring at step 3. If you have not taken the time to listen to the person you wish to influence, understanding how the world occurs to them and what language they use, it may feel impossible. I can assure you that, how it occurs to me, the more I do this, the easier it gets. My advice is also to go back to the original book (The Three Laws of Performance: Rewriting the Future of Your Organization and Your Life) and read it. It will give you more context.
Afterthought
As we have said, the world is full of people who delete or alter the context for personal reasons. When someone changes or deletes context and then repeats something out of context, is it no different from lying? Intentionally or otherwise? It is easy to do and if often makes us feel good. It is useful when we get lost in confirmation bias (a subject for another day). It can also be dangerous.
George Orwell left us a stark reminder of how dangerous the misuse of language and context like this can be. In Politics and the English Language, he wrote, "if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought."