Tribal Minds: Why We Choose Groups That Reflect Our Aspirations, Not Our Realities
Understanding the psychology behind group identity, aspirational selves, and the hidden truths of belonging
“Tell me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are.”
This age-old saying might have it backward. What if our friends, groups, or tribes don’t reflect who we are but who we desperately wish to become?
When choosing groups—whether a political party, a favorite brand, or even an online community—we often gravitate toward identities that reflect our aspirational selves, not necessarily our true beliefs or behaviors.
Why is that? And what does it say about human nature?
The Deep Need for Belonging
Humans are inherently social creatures. Evolution has wired us with a powerful need to belong. Historically, survival depended upon group acceptance, and this fundamental desire remains embedded in our psyche today.
Social psychologist Henri Tajfel famously explained that we derive our sense of identity and self-worth from the groups we belong to. But here’s the twist: we don’t just join groups that match who we are—we also gravitate toward groups that represent who we aspire to become.
Choosing Who We Wish to Be
We all have an aspirational identity—a vision of who we ideally want to become. Often, we choose groups as shortcuts to signal these aspirations to others:
Identity signaling: We pick certain brands, political affiliations, or communities based on what they represent to others rather than their alignment with our true habits or beliefs.
Idealized vs. Actual self: A person might join a fitness community, not because they consistently exercise, but because they sincerely wish to be seen as healthy and disciplined. Similarly, we might vocally support a political cause online that doesn’t fully align with our private beliefs or behaviors.
Cognitive biases underpin this behavior. Projection bias leads us to assume our future self will effortlessly align with these aspirational ideals. Meanwhile, self-enhancement bias pushes us toward groups that elevate our self-esteem simply by association.
Tribalism and Cognitive Dissonance
Aligning with aspirational identities creates internal conflicts—known in psychology as cognitive dissonance. This uncomfortable tension arises when our self-image and actual behavior diverge.
Groups help resolve this discomfort. They offer validation, confirming our aspirational identity as authentic. Inside these “tribes,” echo chambers reinforce our adopted identities, shielding us from confronting discrepancies between aspiration and reality.
Consider how quickly someone may adopt extreme political views online, not because they sincerely believe them, but because it affirms their moral aspirations and provides validation from their chosen tribe. The tribe’s approval becomes addictive, distancing us from our authentic selves.
Aspirational Identities in Everyday Life
Real-world examples abound, highlighting the gap between aspiration and reality:
Politics: People publicly endorse policies more extreme than their comfort level to align with their group’s perceived moral ideal.
Consumerism: Purchasing expensive, eco-friendly, or ethical products not fully integrated into daily behavior but used to signal virtues such as sustainability, sophistication, or success.
Online Communities: Social media profiles are often carefully curated portrayals of idealized selves—representations not of reality but of aspiration.
Bridging the Reality-Aspiration Gap
How can we navigate the tension between who we genuinely are and who we wish to become?
Critical self-reflection:
Ask yourself honestly why you align with particular groups. Do they truly reflect your beliefs and behaviors, or do they represent something aspirational?
Mindful authenticity:
Strive for honesty in how you present yourself online and offline. Embracing authenticity reduces the pressure to maintain aspirational illusions.
Explore beyond your comfort zone:
Actively engaging with diverse groups and opinions helps reduce polarization. It broadens one's perspective, helping integrate one's aspirations more realistically into one's identity.
Final Thoughts
Understanding why we gravitate toward aspirational identities reveals much about human nature. It’s perfectly human to wish we were different or better. However, awareness of this tendency empowers us to choose more consciously. Instead of passively joining tribes, we can deliberately shape who we become.
Ultimately, the best groups support genuine growth rather than simply reinforcing comforting illusions. Choose wisely because your tribe shapes not just who you want to be but also who you inevitably become or the story you tell yourself.